In this blog I'm going to talk about a tidbit of info not even my husband knew about & the revelation I had on a trip Springfield today. But first ... here's a little one year comparison for you! Holy Moly!!! <mind you the 1st was taken in an on flattering pose and I had fair hair... but yeah> On to the story --- About 4 years ago we discovered that Kaidan had a lesion on his spine. At the time it was causing him tons of pain so we were referred to a pediatric neurosurgeon in Springfield, there we were told that he was born with a hereditary weak place in his spine & that he has 2 related conditions as a result. Spondylolisthesis & spondylosis, basically a hairline crack/break and slight slippage of the spine. The effects of these conditions usually don't present themselves until later in life but Kaidan is so active that he injured himself early on {during a backyard football game with his cousins.} I explain all of that to tell you that he has to have annual check-ups if he wishes to continue playing football. We made a deal early on, that he could play if it didn't cause the discs to move any more or the spot to weaken even further. --- PTL there has been no change! Here is the part I had completely forgotten about all until today ... It was last year (one year ago this week) as we planned to take a trip to Springfield that I decided I was going to inquire about bariatric surgery {again} only this time I got more serious. At the time, I was heavily considering the lapband, I had researched it until I was blue in the face. I had also not even heard of VSG, so the band seemed to be the least invasive. A week before we went to Springfield I had done an on-line orientation and even talked to the consultant via telephone. In that convo., I found out that I would likely not qualify unless I had a fist full of cash & comorbidity. I was advised to go ahead & meet with the coordinators at a bariatric clinic there. The plan was to drop in while in town & they would happily visit with me about the band and set a plan into motion. It was that day - 1 year ago - that I decided the lapband wasn't for me. I'm not sure why, it was not a conscious thing at the time, it just happened. Maybe it was the money, maybe it was fear, I like to think it was God telling me to wait. I just circled the block 3 or 4 times and couldn't bring myself to stop. After that day I put the idea of the band in the back of my mind figuring one day it would resurface as it had for the last 8 years or so. Just 3 months later, having no idea that I had come that close, Sunny brought up VSG, and the rest is history! It is amazing to look back and see how God has had his hand in this process from the beginning!
5 Comments
In 21 days I will be laying in my bed in a hotel room in the Marriott in Tijuana not Sleeping ... much like I am doing right now, I can't deny that I am nervous - nervous about the flight - nervous that I'll get there and for some reason be denied - nervous that I'll be in lots of pain - Nervous.... I could die ... I'll lose too much weight or not even enough - I think, this is stupid and I don't care how big I am or get ... ... the problem is I do ... I do care... I care enough to endure the pain ... I care enough to endure embarrassment... I care enough to make a change ... so I added an inspiration pic the kids took today ... Yesterday evening and all day today, I couldn't get enough food! No matter how hard I tried to tell myself I wasn't hungry, or how much I ate it just didn't seem to be enough & the thought of a shake was icky. I tried to stay healthy, but ate ALL of the healthy food and snacks that I had purchased to last the week. Hopefully this is yet another indicator that I definitely need this operation & not a sign of things to come! So what is it I ate today you ask.... Tons of beef jerky, thinly sliced colby/jack cheese, a piece of chocolate cake, 2 avocados, a few skittles, hot wings and then some! Down 5 pounds in 2 weeks ... preop of course ... not a fan of being such a slow loser and am excited to know that soon the losing will speed up. The best part though is that my mindset is changing. This morning the kids were talking about nutty bars and I couldn't even stomach the thought of a Little Debbie snack for breakfast. I have started really realizing that a protein shake will keep me full. This week I have survived on a small bowl of soup and an avocado for lunch sometimes even less. I'm convincing myself this it's doable. I'm starting to learn about proteins and the balance between healthy and unhealthy. We went out to eat last night and I left the house thinking it would be one of the last time I could order whatever I wanted off the menu. I was really craving a steak so we headed to Applebees. My go-to meal there is steak parmesan with shrimp and garlic mashed potatoes. Last night I looked over the menu and without even giving it a second thought I ordered the steak brochette which was on the under 500 calories menu. It was a steak with a stuffed mushroom and red potatoes, not complete a sleever meal but so much better than I have done in the past. I did though order a diet Pepsi and pretzels for dessert. I've decided between now and the surgery that I will start changing my eating habits but I won't deprive myself of the things I want to indulge in before I can't have them again! This is working pretty well for me because last week I had a mini snack size Snickers bar and A chicken cordon bleu sandwich from Arby's. I've been working on Jaxen too because I think the change is going to be hard on him. After I have the surgery and the weight is falling off of me, I am concerned about what his reaction will be. Last night I got him and Kaid to order steak off of the kids menu with no fuss, then when I told them they could have a shooter glass dessert, he flipper because it was "too small." There are days he does awesome and on Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday of this week he made shakes with me drink them for breakfast and didn't even eat breakfast at school. Then at lunch he was sensible. On Thursday I thought I would change up his daily shake and add orange juice he was in a bad mood to start with and refused to drink the shake, he ate breakfast at school and was back to his old habit of getting second on cereal. That was the beginning of the end so to speak at church the night before we had argued about him being in the front of the line. We had a mini meltdown one night this week too when he threw a cracker at my head because I wouldn't let him make tuna at 10 o'clock that night then he flopped down on the couch and said that I was starving him he was just going to crawl up there and die ... he fell asleep and was fine. That is something I would have said to my mom at my worst. He has an obsession with food that is like a drug addiction. Since moving him to a different class at school he has lost about 6 pounds, but if the scales are right he put most of that weight back on. I'm not really sure what to say and do for him and I just pray everyday about the situation. He's been spending time with Mr. Parks, his therapist, and they are working through all of the issues. They spend time in the cafeteria serving lunch, they talk about what might be bothering Jax and to be honest Jax is a tough egg to crack, he is resistant to all of the charm & minimizes all of the issues. Sometimes I wish there was a magic button that I could flip for his sake, but I will fall on the next best thing... prayer.... Father God, As I scroll through my Facebook news feed, I stumbled on this picture. I had a quick burst of anxiety ... Reality has set in! 'Is this really going to be a meal to me?' I shared it with Sunny wondering if I was crazy. After all she is the one who has vowed to go on this journey with me, for rich or for poor, in sickness or in health. I told her I thought that this process may challenge me more mentally than I had once thought. Her advice, was nothing I haven't heard before on many occasions. It is sound advice and is usually useful to me when I heed to it. What is this Earth shaking advice that she gave to me you ask? She simply said to me, "stop thinking!" So for now that's what I plan on doing! To say that I have become slightly obsessed with the scale would be an understatement. I step on it 2 or 3 times a day, but that is nothing out of the ordinary, I have done that for years, so I am fairly confident that I am not on the verge of developing an eating disorder. Anyway ... Since I decided to kick off a light pre-op diet early and work my way up to the big one, I have been committed to 2 protein shakes a day, a boiled egg or veggie soup for a snack and a regular meal. I have cut my calorie intake a little more each day. I felt like the shake at breakfast was going really well and even the healthy lunch was successful. I have really cut back evening portion sizes and even upped H2O intake. As a result I have gained!!! Water weight you say!?!? Well it is that water weight that leads to the discouragement that leads directly to regular diet failure! It is this frustration that sends me to Tijuana! Over the weekend Sunny gave me a gift, a Blender Bottle. It is basically a bottle with it's own little whisky ball thingy, so it mixes powdered shakes beautifully! That new gadget, coupled with my excitement has kicked me into a shake for b-fast, shake for lunch prep mode. I have to be honest it has never been so easy before to just say, 'I think I will have a protein shake instead of breakfast.' It is happening, a change in my mind set. Over the last month Michael and I have also had to make some tough decisions regarding Jaxen. Without going into too much detail, there were some things going on that we felt were effecting him in a very damaging way. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I felt like he had elevated stress, anxiety & depression. I have written about his food addiction before and we feel like the situation was contributing to the compulsive behaviors. The fist of January, we decided to take control of the situation and make some major changes. I am shocked by the changes I have seen so far. In 1 week there have been considerably less tears, he is becoming more confident, but the best part; he is the sweet little boy who isn't so angry, who desires to please & be helpful & who sings all the time that he had stuck deep down in there somewhere! My little boy is back! Sure there is still work to do, and some permanent damage has been done, not only mentally and emotionally but physically, which is evident in the 10 pounds he has gained. Jax and I are both happy to report though that he has lost 1.5 pounds since we made the change and feel like now that that stress has been removed we can both relax and focus on what really matters and that is his happiness! Today has been the most relaxing day I have had in a very long time. I had no plans, the boys were at my dads, the girls hid out in their room and Michael went to cut wood. I sat on the couch the entire morning watching youtube videos, researching the surgery and home organizing tips. I later got to go snuggle with my brand new nephew Charlie. Sometimes a mom just needs a day like today! As I watched and researched, a new fear set in ... am I going to get "too skinny?" By too skinny, I don't mean 95 pounds skinny ... I mean I hope am not one of those people who is just meant to be fat and looks ill skinny. I think until the last 50-80 pounds, I carried my weight pretty well. I fear that I will be one who looks older and uglier as I get thinner. I have heard and actually witnessed several people who have rapidly lost their weight, and my first thought is " are they sick?" When in reality they still had 75-80 pounds to lose until they made goal. I am not really sure what I will do to avoid this feeling, but my guess is that I will just power through it like I have done with every fear up to this point. If you have any suggestions or words of wisdom, please share! If there is one thing that has made me nervous about this trip, it is the flight. Not being in the air or plunging to my death, I am nervous that I will be too fat for the seat. I have heard all of the horror stories about big people getting kicked off of the flight or being made to pay for an extra seat. I am scared to death that one of these scenarios would happen to me. How Ironic would it be that the one barrier between me and WLS would be my weight. I have to have a seat that accommodates my size, but it has to be affordable. After countless google searches, phone calls and personal experiments I think I have a plan. First I researched seat width, if we fly economy class the seats are 17.2 inches wide and in 1st class they are 21 inches. The price difference is HUGE, so I would like to fly economy if possible. I measured my seat at work, in which I can sit very comfortably, it is 23 inches wide, this scares me ... that is bigger than the biggest airline seat. I then went to the movies in Neosho, I can sit in these seats, not terribly comfortable, but I can do it. I prefer to have a seat between me and my neighbor, but if my neighbor is my hubby I will survive. Today I swallowed my pride and called that theater to ask them the width of their chairs. I was blessed to tears when the man on the other end of the phone offered to measure them for me. I sat on hold for a could of minutes when he returned breathless he described in detail the measurements he had taken. The seats are 17.5 inches wide along the bottom and 25 inches between cup holders! These #'s make me happy, I am hopeful that I can squeeze this behind into the 17.2 inch seat. I found a great resource called www.seatguru.com on this site I was able to enter my flight number and check out passenger comments on the seats. Delta does offer an upgrade to fly economy comfort, which according to the airline gives you extra leg room and a little more room to spread out and is only $30/person, seatguru doesn't seem to completely back these claims but 4 extra inches at the feet is better than nothing. I will also be heeding the advice of Emmie of authenticallyemmie.com , these are her tips, I feel like if she can do it at 455 pounds I can do it at 360.
I read that American Airlines may be the most Big friendly, but I feel like Delta will be just as accommodating, and less expensive. I plan on posting an update after I have actually flown for those of you who are curious about flying yourself.
Wrapping up a few much needed Christmas shopping items today so Kaid and I stopped in to Maurices. I can remember shopping here in HS and the minute I stepped into the store knew this is where I will be restocking my wardrobe. I know all of you well meaning Maurices pro's are saying "they have plus sized clothes there" ... they do.... but they are cute shaped pluses and do not cover me ... yet. It is moments like this that make be beyond excited to take the plunge! I plan on taking full advantage of the "take 10 card!" Can't wait to go on a shopping spree!
..... women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. 1 Timothy 5:14 Instead of our regular Sunday night mission visit to Yarbrough, we had to attend our Church because the kids had to practice for the Christmas program. They are studying the Book of 1 Timothy and Brother Jared brought up something that stuck with me. He asked if we knew what it meant in 1 Timothy 5:14 when they say "guide the house" other translations say "manage the House" after a few attempts at explanation from church members he explained that he believes that it is the woman who sets the tone for her home. Her attitude sets the mood. What she does is a direct result of what make the house a home. It hit me, The hormonal issue I have due to my weight really effect my home. They obviously effect my attitude, but they also keep me from doing more to make this place a home. I want my husband and children to feel like this is the one place they can go to retreat. That my attitude will be calm and Christ like in order to set the standards for their future. I can try as hard as I can, but I am expecting the shift in my hormones to be huge. I am expecting an even personality without all of the hormone surges. My attitude about the surgery and weightloss before and after will make a HUGE impact on the health of my family also. It is a lot of responsibility and something no one tells you about. Father God, I ask you to be with me tonight as I prepare my heart for this journey. I pray that the changes it brings in my life and the life of my family set the attitude of the family.Thank you for opening my eyes to what a bad attitude or poor personality might do to my family. I know that it is what I do that will effect who they become. Give me patience and consistency, give me discernment and wisdom everyday Lord to grow them into amazing Husbands and Wives who teach their families to live for You! Let the choices I make influence the choices they make in a positive way. Help me to be the wife my husband deserves. That I am able to set the tone of our home in such a way that he desires to be here. That he experiences overwhelming joy when he is at home and that the stresses of our daily lives do not stand in between us and a loving relationship in which we honor you 1st and foremost. Thank You for Your grace and love, In His Holy Name, Amen Not too long before the proposal of the sleeve I was talking to someone about their newest tattoo. She was super proud of it and completely in love with all the ones she had, she asked me if I had any and my response was 'No, I'd like one but I have never found something I love enough to carry around forever.' Her response was thought provoking, she said, "yes, you have to find something you become completely obsessed with in order to make that kind of commitment." It hit me that this is true for absolutely every single big commitment we make. A few short weeks later, I became absolutely obsessed with the idea of this surgery. It is on my mind every single day, I think this is Gods way of preparing me for the emotional changes I will be making. I am so completely excited to be 92 days away from the day that will change my life! Making some changes on the Blog ... It has become a Buddy Blog! This makes me excited, because now not only do I get to chat with Sunny on Tuesday evening about how we are feeling, but she and I will be blogging together. I cannot wait to read her posts & share in her excitement. Today we talked a bit about our taste buds changing and the fact that foods we currently LOVE may not be foods we can even handle after the surgery. That is a scary thought! What is the one food I cannot live without... ummm ... Steak, stuffing, potato soup ... not really sure I have a "favorite" I LOVE way too many things, but I can tell you not liking any of these again would make me very very sad and I am sure I will morn the loss. It still isn't enough to keep me from the surgery. I found this picture below and I think it explains exactly how I feel, I will keep reminding myself of this! I am currently obsessed with watching youtube videos by people who have been sleeved. Early on I found Clusie L. She is hilarious, she is real, a little raw, but real!
I am glad she posted this one this week. I have been really thinking about excess skin lately, I am already saggy, so here is to hoping I am a Humpty Dumpty! I also have been worrying since day one that I will miss Fluffy me. I plan on spending the next 98 days enjoying it. Then I will enjoy the new me after that! I did it, I made the decision to change my life ... NOW to tell "My People" ... Who are "My People?" - My People are those who have my back NO MATTER the out come. The people I turn to at a moment's notice and for the most part my very closest family members. I feel like not everyone wants to, nor do they need to hear the details of my every whim, but My People are out of luck, they have no choice! This is how I broke the news all at once in a Facebook group message ..... This is a link to the Dr. I will be using and the facilities ... it answers a lot of questions ... http://www.tijuanabariatrics.com/bariatric-surgery/gastric-sleeve-surgery You are my people so I need you to know .... We have a Date! MARCH 9th, 2015 ... that is the day our lives are set to changes! Step 2 is complete, "Our Girl" is out of the office sick, so we will pay our deposit when she gets back, but we have been assured that our date is set! Feelings Today {Excited} to get this show on the road already {Nervous} the pain will be more than I expect {Uncertain} about how I will react to spending that many days, that far away from my Kids {Wondering} Should I make a living will before I go {Hopeful} that I will gain what I am looking for {Apprehensive} about flying {Eager} to put this behind me {Passionate} about my decision Heavenly Father, I just want to thank you so much for this opportunity. I pray that you are with Sunny and I as we go through this process. Please speak to us along the way sending us sparks of encouragement as we go along. You know our doubts, our fears, and our limitations, please keep us focused, calm & excited not only for the surgery, but in the months that follow. Be with all of the professional staff, even this far ahead, as they prepare to do what they do best, especially our surgeon, pump him full of any knowledge he might need to treat any unique situation that may arise with either one of us. I pray that you use me as a testimony and a witness for you and that all that comes from this journey only glorifies your name, that it makes you famous for what you do! Please be with our families and those who love us, give them the insight to accept what we have decided to do, give them peace as we travel to Mexico and give them patience as we tread unknown waters. and Always always, thank you for putting people and opportunities in my life, and setting events into motion that have lead me to today! I love you and honor you! In Jesus Name, Amen Today Sunny and I had an appointment to chat with our coordinator, we were going to conference call and set the date for the surgery. Today was the day we were set to pay our deposit, to lock in the date, from this day on there would be no turning back! Today, our coordinator messaged me to let us know she was down with the flu, so we would have to hold off on the appointment until tomorrow. I have always been a firm believer that things happen for a reason, in fact in my StrengthQuest class I have found that Connectedness is one of my top 5 strengths. So, I couldn't help but take this as a sign; Is this Gods way of telling me that the surgery isn't for me? is the hospital not all it is cracked up to be? It is times like this in the quiet peacefulness after all of the kiddos have hit the sack that I sit and talk to God, just he and I, talking about life, searching my heart, just getting to know each other. It is often that he reveals himself to me through mindless web browsing. Tonight, I just couldn't shake Michael's initial question... "is it biblical?" I had prayed about it and even quoted verses and justified my thoughts to him and others, but I had never searched the thoughts of other Christians. So tonight I searched "A Christian's view on weightloss surgery." I finally did it! I hit submit! Now we wait. This step is like yanking off a bandage ... say a little prayer with the one sitting closest to you and jump. .. at least that's how I did it!
it's the waiting game though that is about to kill me! They say I'll know something within 48 hours... but everytime my email songs I jump... I just need to km know either way what the future holds. I know I must be making Sunny crazy ..... There are those days in our life that we don't think much of at the time, but these are the days that God has constructed to forever change your life. Like the day you bump into your future husband in the line at McDonald's, the day you drive past the for sale sign in front of your future house on a back road, the day you meet the woman who will be the push you need to change your life and the life of your family! 3 1/2 years ago, Michael & I stepped out on faith, we heard a child was in need and agreed that we should help out. That was the beginning, we not only gained a daughter, but met a few awesome people along the way. My favorite by far happens to be a woman I have said from the beginning I would also 'adopt' into our family, in fact Dacota and I have decided she is our honorary Aunt. Even after our time with Sunny ended we kept in touch. Almost 3 yrs later, we are asked to take on another 'Challenge,' again we get to spend some time with Sunny. There is a connection with this woman I can't explain, there are few people who just 'get' me a high level of trust & respect was there from the beginning. Today, I had gone to pick our new Challenge up from a visit & Sunny says .... "I am so excited, I think I am going to go to mexico and have gastric sleeve surgery... come with me!" I did the whole 'yeah, yeah- that'd be nice, but it is so out of my reach - lets sit and dream together though...' thing. I'm not going to lie, I left there thinking, Man that'd be nice, but it is too much for me to handle, for some reason though, I couldn't let it go, I talked about it with everyone, my mom, my sister & BIL, & Michael, I picked up the phone and called my friends just to talk through it. God must have wanted me to really take it into consideration, because it popped up over and over again, and I researched it for an entire week, it was in the front of my mind. At this point, It would take a ton more research & thousands of conversations with those I love and respect before I commit. For now the prospective is nice. |
This weight loss is only from June 2015 (I had lost another 51 pounds prior to this)
Blog MissionIt has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I feel like God opened the right doors at the right time. My vision for this blog is not only to document and share my journey with those who care, but also to encourage those who may be following in my footsteps. First and foremost though, I want to give all the glory to God & to focus on his plan for me throughout the journey. What you talkin' 'bout?VSG = Vertical Gastric Sleeve Categories
All
Archives
November 2016
Comments
|