Welcome to the last day of 2014. What does a fabulous fat babe such as myself wear on New Year’s Eve? The same thing I wear every single day! I'll be seeing the New Year hanging out with a couple of friends, this is new for us. We generally hang out with family & our kids, but this year we are shaking it up, and laying around the Kilby house.No wild parties, No big plans, just spending time with each other & some really fun people. That means Comfy clothes. It'll be like the kidless days ... oh wait, we never had kidless days. This is the last year though that I ring in the New Year not looking cute! I don't care if we celebrate at home, I will look & feel good doing it! This is also the last year that adult beverage intake is even a possibility, so i guess we will see where that bus takes me. I am thinking not very far though, since that lifestyle took a back seat a long time ago. I have been thinking about Vlogging a little bit on here and tonight might be the perfect night to test out my skills. Don't know what a Vlog is? It's basically a video blog, actually it is a Video Blog. Be excited, I know that I am!
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If there is one thing that has made me nervous about this trip, it is the flight. Not being in the air or plunging to my death, I am nervous that I will be too fat for the seat. I have heard all of the horror stories about big people getting kicked off of the flight or being made to pay for an extra seat. I am scared to death that one of these scenarios would happen to me. How Ironic would it be that the one barrier between me and WLS would be my weight. I have to have a seat that accommodates my size, but it has to be affordable. After countless google searches, phone calls and personal experiments I think I have a plan. First I researched seat width, if we fly economy class the seats are 17.2 inches wide and in 1st class they are 21 inches. The price difference is HUGE, so I would like to fly economy if possible. I measured my seat at work, in which I can sit very comfortably, it is 23 inches wide, this scares me ... that is bigger than the biggest airline seat. I then went to the movies in Neosho, I can sit in these seats, not terribly comfortable, but I can do it. I prefer to have a seat between me and my neighbor, but if my neighbor is my hubby I will survive. Today I swallowed my pride and called that theater to ask them the width of their chairs. I was blessed to tears when the man on the other end of the phone offered to measure them for me. I sat on hold for a could of minutes when he returned breathless he described in detail the measurements he had taken. The seats are 17.5 inches wide along the bottom and 25 inches between cup holders! These #'s make me happy, I am hopeful that I can squeeze this behind into the 17.2 inch seat. I found a great resource called www.seatguru.com on this site I was able to enter my flight number and check out passenger comments on the seats. Delta does offer an upgrade to fly economy comfort, which according to the airline gives you extra leg room and a little more room to spread out and is only $30/person, seatguru doesn't seem to completely back these claims but 4 extra inches at the feet is better than nothing. I will also be heeding the advice of Emmie of authenticallyemmie.com , these are her tips, I feel like if she can do it at 455 pounds I can do it at 360.
I read that American Airlines may be the most Big friendly, but I feel like Delta will be just as accommodating, and less expensive. I plan on posting an update after I have actually flown for those of you who are curious about flying yourself. Fat gets in the way of everything, it even effects the holiday season .... through the years I have learned to tolerate it, but this is the last year for that. Let me break it down for the skinny's of the world ... On the 1st day of Christmas .... Wrapping all of the gifts! There is no comfortable way to do this ... a a fluffy person you are cursed with T-Rex arms... you cant reach the end of the roll to make a straight cut and reaching over the extra big boxes is particularly hard. I know most people wrap standing at a table or counter... but I do my best work sitting down, so I am forced to the floor and end up scooting around to reach the next gift feel around in the "blind spots" where the pen, tape or scissors have disappeared to. On the 2nd day of Christmas .... Christmas decorating - The energy just isn't there we have great ideas and high hopes of what our house will become over the holiday's and with the invention of FB and pintrest it have only gotten worse, we compare our home to all the cutesy ones we see online. I cannot believe how worn out sorting and fluffing all the tree limbs made me. So, when we are forced to leave the big stuff up to the hubby and the kids, it looks more like redneck granny Griswold hosted holiday central at our place. On the 3rd day of Christmas... Holiday shopping ... I can last 3 hours max! That is going at my own pace, on a mission, with a list and frequent breaks. After the 2nd hour my dogs start barkin' and the send a message to my brain that is received loud and clear "Get this fat girl off of us!" My shopping trips are broken up into segments, I had to make 6 trips this year! On the 4th day of Christmas ... Matching family footie jammies ... yep they do not make those for me... I am lucky to find a night gown in my size, there is no way that I will find 6 sets of jammies that match and accommodate all of our specialty sizing needs! On the 5th day of Christmas .... Christmas parades ... Parade routes can be very long and winding, and once you are committed to walking the route there is no backing out! So this year after spending 3 hours decorating the school float I couldn't decide whether I should walk or ride... my swollen ankle had been giving me fits so a co-worker convinced me at the last minute to ride... I stepped up on the stool to gracefully board the float when they start shouting "he's moving!" I ever so un-gracefully do a walrus flop onto the float, butt in the air for all of the unfortunate walkers to see... Lesson #52 fat girls can't fly! On the 6th day of Christmas ... ugly sweater day! The purpose of Ugly Sweater day is not to make the sweater uglier with your body, but somehow I pull it off. When you are as big as me, you are forced to create your own ugly sweater, DIY style! There aren't just 100's of them laying on the shelves of goodwill awaiting your purchase. On the 7th day of Christmas ... Thigh chaffing ... Dressing-up for Christmas parties or programs will always make a fat girl cringe. Making a decision to wear a dress is killer, your thighs are set on fire round about hour #2. On the 8th day of Christmas .... wearing the same decent casual outfit to every gathering and changing the scarf because you only have 1 pair of jeans and 1 cute dressy t-shirt. Sure my floor is covered with a mountain of clothes that are dingy, worn, torn, too small, or just plain ugly! At this point though I refuse to purchase anything else in this size!!! On the 9th day of Christmas ... Cameras everywhere .... so many people attempting to capture the moment and post them on facebook... It makes me so proud to have these floating around! On the 10th day of Christmas .... Holiday cleanup is NEVER fun... but it is even less fun when you have zero it sucks to move around! On the 11th day of Christmas ... Church Christmas program fruit & candy bags ... yes most of the candy is ooky ... yes it is worse mixed together ...and I would never ever buy it just to eat it ... those icky pink things and orange slices are generally gagalicious ... but I cannot resist the nostalgia! On the 12th day of Christmas ... Silver Dollar City, enjoying time with the family is super important to me. Trips like this one are cut short because my feet are killing me, and squeezing around the crowd is unbearable.
Wrapping up a few much needed Christmas shopping items today so Kaid and I stopped in to Maurices. I can remember shopping here in HS and the minute I stepped into the store knew this is where I will be restocking my wardrobe. I know all of you well meaning Maurices pro's are saying "they have plus sized clothes there" ... they do.... but they are cute shaped pluses and do not cover me ... yet. It is moments like this that make be beyond excited to take the plunge! I plan on taking full advantage of the "take 10 card!" Can't wait to go on a shopping spree!
Today I finally got a chance to apply for my passport. I tried to look as Fat Girl as I could in this picture since it will likely be my last legal fat pic OR that's just the way I look, neck rolls and all! I thought the star scarf was a good touch and completely unplanned. I had just bought it minutes before for Jess for Christmas (Shh,) and thought I needed a scarf in the pic so I borrowed it! The fella told me not to smile, so I have, as my sister calls it, a RBF, makes me look mad all the time, ask Michael. There's a lot of "What's wrong?" "nothing, I'm just resting!" convo in my house. I know it is a simple task, and it is necessary for this trip. It is a process that was new to me though and since I intend on this blog being helpful for those who follow me, I think I need to put step by step details in case a fear of the unknown gives someone the excuse to not go through with it. So here it is... What you need to know when applying for your passportFor about A month now "this time next year," has been said daily in our house. By this time next year I'll be Shopping more ... By this time next year, I can sit in a booth ... By this time next year, I will ride bikes with the kids .... But every " By this time next year-ism" has been stated by me. I had began to wonder if Michael felt the same way I did about this surgery, was he excited to have a wife who could enjoy time outdoors with him, was he excited to see what I might look like. Did he even think about the transformation? Of course I do remind him daily, but he is a man, so who knows. Well I got my answer tonight. After spending the day in Branson and waiting in long long lines for the tram at silver dollar city, we had finally made it back to the car. I said to no one in particular, "it probably would have been faster if we had just walked..." Michael's response was " By this time next year maybe..." he let the comment fade off into nothing, but it was then I realized that he definitely thinks about it. For him though talking about it is like answering the "does this shirt make me look fat" question. He is not sure what he can say and what he can't. How did I not think of this? I quickly encouraged the conversation and made sure he knew that my feelings were not hurt at all. I have to keep in mind the feelings of those I love at all times along this journey. It is for them that I will be making the changes, their well being is #1 to me.
Speaking of the ones I love, my phone died while we were in SDC so I didn't get the chance to take any pics of the kids, but my mom snapped this shot as we were on our way out I <3 these guys so very much.
In case you have never had the privileged of enjoying DS meal ... here is your menu ... Whole Rotisserie Chicken, Smoked Pork Loin, Creamy Vegetable Soup, a Biscuit, Corn on the Cob, Herb-basted Potato, an apple pastry for dessert & Unlimited Pepsi, tea or coffee ... It really is a good show, and when the kids are older and they change up the show, I plan on enjoying my meal a little at a time from a doggy bag! It's funny, this journey has already opened my eyes to so many things. This coupled with a new found dedication to Christ have forced me to examine where I am and where I want to be. I see evidence of Him working in everything we do. One week when Michael and I were looking for a new church for our family, a woman slipped in behind us in the last row. I later found out it was the preachers wife & since then I have come to realize that she always takes a seat at the front of the church, but this Sunday she had been lead to sit behind us. After church she handed me the note photographed below. I have carried this in my Bible since that day and even tried to over analyze it to the point of Crazy Frick ... but it always seems to apply to me and it always comes back to one simple thing ... "God knows you and he knows where you are ... he desires you ..." That is it ... I think God knew today that I needed to get emotional about this journey! ... I thought something was wrong with me ... I had wondered why I had been on pre-op cloud nine excited more and more everyday. I have even dealt with bouts of nervousness, worry, fear & wonder but in all of the emotions I have not shed one tear. I have dared to imagine the future of me with a skinny girl body, I have wondered about excess skin and cutesy clothes but never allowed myself to picture it. Tonight I had caught up on my daily homework assignment and thought I would check the Clusie channel just in case she posted something tonight, I have found that I am mildly obsessed with her videos. Anyway, as I am clicking over to her channel I am willing the computer "please have a video, please have a video" and low and behold there is a video... not just any video either... it's the highly anticipated before and after video! Words cannot describe my reaction, it was somewhere between a 3 year old meeting Santa and a cat tail under a rocking chair in a thrilled sorta way. So I quick click play and watch Clusie drop 170 pounds in 5 minutes. around about 4 minutes it hit me, if I lose 60% of me I will be 140 pounds, I will be her size. Kneeling in the flowers, posing in the dressing room mirror.... I cannot wait to shop at anthropologie ... I got a little misty eyed thinking about who I will be 2 years down the road. There was one thing I noticed though throughout the video that was a comfort to me. In every photo you can see Clusie's personality and her infectious smile, she didn't lose who she was, she didn't sacrifice her personality for a smaller booty and cuter body. Her smile remains her best feature. Here's the video, check it out! It cracks me up to hear all of the reasons that people have come-up with to try to convince me NOT to have the sleeve. They lump all weightloss surgeries together and they start telling stories about their Aunt/Grandma who had the "Real bi-pass" done and it about killed her, she can't eat bread anymore or she will vomit and since she can't eat bread her arms and legs are the like of very fragile twigs, no chopstick, yea that's right , skinny straight chopsticks with a chunk of chicken hanging off like big wrinkled feet. To be honest, I feel sorry for Aunt/Grandma Twiggy, but I am not too interested in her weightloss freak out ... the bright side is that I don't plan on having the "Real bi-pass" so we're good... right? ANYWAY, I have compiled a list of top 10 reasons people don't want me to get the surgery, and my response ... #10 - Your hair will fall out! It will grow back! I have hair now, I have never seen a case where it doesn't fall out... but if I am the acceptation to the rule, I will rock the hat and wigs! #9 - Your husband may get jealous & your friends and family won't know you anymore. I hope he gets jealous, in a healthy way. We are secure in our relationship, weight loss is the least of our worries. Will I change? SURE! Will they recognize me? Ummm yes! If they know me now they will know me then. #8 - You can't have Soda anymore Yea, and guess what I can't have beer refraining from that hasn't killed me yet. and I can't have greasy food or junk either, that is not something that is going to kill me, however, continuing to consume it might! #7 - People have had WLS and gained it back! I know a guy who cut his hair and it grew back... what's your point ... It is a life style change ... #6 - You LOVE food too much, you will never be able to handle it. You're right, I LOVE food, but not as much as I love my family and myself. After the surgery I will have to handle it, I have no choice, it isn't like they can sew it back on, or give me a donor stomach. There is no turning back & that is exactly the commitment I need to make the change! #5 - Are you even mentally ready to be Skinny? Are you kidding? There is FINALLY hope for me and I can't wait. Of course I was concerned about missing Fat Frick, but I will work through it and find Frick'n Awesome!. Again, I have no choice, what is done is done, and the thought that I can't mentally handle being a skinny girl is laughable when you think about it. #4 - This is the EASY way out! Yep, it is ..... 5 holes cut into my abdomen, a portion of my stomach pulled out through one of those holes. Letting go of so many things that have defined me for so many years. Leaving my kids for a week and flying for the 1st time across the country on the week of my son's basketball tournament. Weeks on a liquid diet, then eating ping pong sized portions, are all easy things to endure. I suppose that you are going to tell the paraplegic that his prosthetic are the easy way, or the woman who just got laser eye surgery that she took the easy way. Maybe the man who had a triple bypass should have just powered through. Nope not buying that one. This will not be easy! #3 - You will have to take Vitamins forever! As opposed to the metformin, the blood pressure pills, the cholesterol pills the insulin shots... Yep I'll take the vitamins. #2 - You could Die ... and so could you, on your way to work or walking out the door or brushing your teeth ... Thanks for that! So very encouraging. I could also die of a heart attack tomorrow. If it is my time, then it is my time. #1 - You can do it on your own! Have you seen my salads? 1/3 lettuce 2/3's toppings and dressing... and my exercise program, 2 laps to the mailbox 2 days in a row ... yep I am really making a commitment to change! OH and for those who worry about the surgery because it is in "Mexico" the bonus answer is for you... Bonus - Why do you have to go to Mexico, they do the surgery in the USA you know. Yes I know. Let me break it down for you ... It's true the hospital is in Tijuana, but it is in Baja California and is completely safe. It is certified by the American Academy of Hospital blah blah blah and it is just as clean as the hospitals her... there are 2 reasons I chose Mexico... #1 They have made it affordable, and #2 I have been telling you all forever I am Mexican... no really, I cannot handle all of the overkill procedures that the US requires, I am all about getting in and getting it done. I have to go drastic to make a difference. This is what will work for me, I am grateful to all of those who have concerns & know you worry, but now you can see that I have weighed the pro's and con's. With every passing day, I get more and more excited. Today, I did research, worked on passports, checked into airplane tickets and looked into protein drinks. Hopefully by the end of this week both Michael and I will have filed for our passport, there is a maximum of a 6 week wait, I don't want anything holding us up.
I have never even been in an airplane and I don't know what to expect. Frankly the only thing about this trip that makes me even slightly nervous is the flight. I have all of the usual preoccupations, will I freak out in the air, will I pack a small enough bag to skip checking one, should I sit near the window or in the aisle? But then I also worry about if I will fit in the seat & if the seat belt will fasten. I went as far as measuring my seat at work... 21 inches... that happens to be the size of the seats in the first class portion of the plan.... if I upgrade my seat, I upgrade to an $800 ticket ... no thank you! A regular seat is 17.9 inches... think I can squeeze myself into this seat for the duration of the flight without panicking??? I sure hope so ... the ticket difference is $400! I am thinking that is Fat-sisim! Guess I will leave that thought for another day! 90 days!!! ..... women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. 1 Timothy 5:14 Instead of our regular Sunday night mission visit to Yarbrough, we had to attend our Church because the kids had to practice for the Christmas program. They are studying the Book of 1 Timothy and Brother Jared brought up something that stuck with me. He asked if we knew what it meant in 1 Timothy 5:14 when they say "guide the house" other translations say "manage the House" after a few attempts at explanation from church members he explained that he believes that it is the woman who sets the tone for her home. Her attitude sets the mood. What she does is a direct result of what make the house a home. It hit me, The hormonal issue I have due to my weight really effect my home. They obviously effect my attitude, but they also keep me from doing more to make this place a home. I want my husband and children to feel like this is the one place they can go to retreat. That my attitude will be calm and Christ like in order to set the standards for their future. I can try as hard as I can, but I am expecting the shift in my hormones to be huge. I am expecting an even personality without all of the hormone surges. My attitude about the surgery and weightloss before and after will make a HUGE impact on the health of my family also. It is a lot of responsibility and something no one tells you about. Father God, I ask you to be with me tonight as I prepare my heart for this journey. I pray that the changes it brings in my life and the life of my family set the attitude of the family.Thank you for opening my eyes to what a bad attitude or poor personality might do to my family. I know that it is what I do that will effect who they become. Give me patience and consistency, give me discernment and wisdom everyday Lord to grow them into amazing Husbands and Wives who teach their families to live for You! Let the choices I make influence the choices they make in a positive way. Help me to be the wife my husband deserves. That I am able to set the tone of our home in such a way that he desires to be here. That he experiences overwhelming joy when he is at home and that the stresses of our daily lives do not stand in between us and a loving relationship in which we honor you 1st and foremost. Thank You for Your grace and love, In His Holy Name, Amen Not too long before the proposal of the sleeve I was talking to someone about their newest tattoo. She was super proud of it and completely in love with all the ones she had, she asked me if I had any and my response was 'No, I'd like one but I have never found something I love enough to carry around forever.' Her response was thought provoking, she said, "yes, you have to find something you become completely obsessed with in order to make that kind of commitment." It hit me that this is true for absolutely every single big commitment we make. A few short weeks later, I became absolutely obsessed with the idea of this surgery. It is on my mind every single day, I think this is Gods way of preparing me for the emotional changes I will be making. I am so completely excited to be 92 days away from the day that will change my life! I have always thought that it is funny how people are always talking about Barbie and the body image that she is giving the girls of the world. That girl was never ever me... I never wanted her body ... her car... sure I'll take that, the condo, I thought that was cool too... but I never thought I had to have her waistline, boobs or even her hair. On the contrary, if Barbie had friends, my sister and I chose the one we were going to "be" based on which one resembled us more. As I got older, I began to relate to the "Biggies" of the entertainment world. I find people who look like me, inspirational, often times I can relate to them. I admire their carefree personalities and their ability to be true to who they are accepting their "Fatsique". In some ways, I know it is crazy, but I am scared I won't be in the funny & fat club anymore! I mean Fat people are funny right? There is nothing funnier than Melissa McCarthy trying to jump over the counter of a fast food restaurant & who doesn't know "Fat guy in a little coat?" Jolly & Funny! Undoubtedly it is hilarious to watch fat people being fat & funny... but let me tell you what is NOT funny! Not fat people, pretending to be Fat and gross or acting like they think fat people would act, slobbering, sitting on people and eating everything in sight until they blow up. I can barely sit through Shallow Hal without screaming at the screen, I have never even been able to make it through Norbit & although I have been known to quote the Fat fella in Austin Power's, "Get in my Belly," there are some scenes that I just can't handle. Let me give you a tip, when talking to a big girl it is not ok to ask them if they have seen Norbit and go on to describe a particularly offensive scene as if something they did reminded you of the movie. I am scared! I am scared that one chicken wing won't be enough. I am scared I will die when I walk my 1st mile. I'm scared, and for this one I might be crazy, but I am scared that I may never again be compared to Mama June Boo Boo, Fat Amy or Melissa McCarthy, the thought of this makes me kind of sad. In the next few days I plan on tossing this thought around in my brain and coming to terms with the fact that it isn't the fat that makes me personable, but the person I am. Making some changes on the Blog ... It has become a Buddy Blog! This makes me excited, because now not only do I get to chat with Sunny on Tuesday evening about how we are feeling, but she and I will be blogging together. I cannot wait to read her posts & share in her excitement. Today we talked a bit about our taste buds changing and the fact that foods we currently LOVE may not be foods we can even handle after the surgery. That is a scary thought! What is the one food I cannot live without... ummm ... Steak, stuffing, potato soup ... not really sure I have a "favorite" I LOVE way too many things, but I can tell you not liking any of these again would make me very very sad and I am sure I will morn the loss. It still isn't enough to keep me from the surgery. I found this picture below and I think it explains exactly how I feel, I will keep reminding myself of this! |
This weight loss is only from June 2015 (I had lost another 51 pounds prior to this)
Blog MissionIt has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I feel like God opened the right doors at the right time. My vision for this blog is not only to document and share my journey with those who care, but also to encourage those who may be following in my footsteps. First and foremost though, I want to give all the glory to God & to focus on his plan for me throughout the journey. What you talkin' 'bout?VSG = Vertical Gastric Sleeve Categories
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