In this blog I'm going to talk about a tidbit of info not even my husband knew about & the revelation I had on a trip Springfield today. But first ... here's a little one year comparison for you! Holy Moly!!! <mind you the 1st was taken in an on flattering pose and I had fair hair... but yeah> On to the story --- About 4 years ago we discovered that Kaidan had a lesion on his spine. At the time it was causing him tons of pain so we were referred to a pediatric neurosurgeon in Springfield, there we were told that he was born with a hereditary weak place in his spine & that he has 2 related conditions as a result. Spondylolisthesis & spondylosis, basically a hairline crack/break and slight slippage of the spine. The effects of these conditions usually don't present themselves until later in life but Kaidan is so active that he injured himself early on {during a backyard football game with his cousins.} I explain all of that to tell you that he has to have annual check-ups if he wishes to continue playing football. We made a deal early on, that he could play if it didn't cause the discs to move any more or the spot to weaken even further. --- PTL there has been no change! Here is the part I had completely forgotten about all until today ... It was last year (one year ago this week) as we planned to take a trip to Springfield that I decided I was going to inquire about bariatric surgery {again} only this time I got more serious. At the time, I was heavily considering the lapband, I had researched it until I was blue in the face. I had also not even heard of VSG, so the band seemed to be the least invasive. A week before we went to Springfield I had done an on-line orientation and even talked to the consultant via telephone. In that convo., I found out that I would likely not qualify unless I had a fist full of cash & comorbidity. I was advised to go ahead & meet with the coordinators at a bariatric clinic there. The plan was to drop in while in town & they would happily visit with me about the band and set a plan into motion. It was that day - 1 year ago - that I decided the lapband wasn't for me. I'm not sure why, it was not a conscious thing at the time, it just happened. Maybe it was the money, maybe it was fear, I like to think it was God telling me to wait. I just circled the block 3 or 4 times and couldn't bring myself to stop. After that day I put the idea of the band in the back of my mind figuring one day it would resurface as it had for the last 8 years or so. Just 3 months later, having no idea that I had come that close, Sunny brought up VSG, and the rest is history! It is amazing to look back and see how God has had his hand in this process from the beginning!
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Since we were of of school today and Michael was coming home from OKC I thought it'd be fun to have a sit down Valentine's dinner as a family. I headed to town and grabbed a bunch of really cheap vanlentiney decor to set the table. The kids had requested lasagna, so I ran with that idea.The whole night exceeded my expectations.
MENU olive garden style salad Lasagna w/ gr. turkey, wheat noodles HM sauce & ricotta ch. fresh sauteed green beans buttered squash & zucchini garlic bread swirled brownies Down 5 pounds in 2 weeks ... preop of course ... not a fan of being such a slow loser and am excited to know that soon the losing will speed up. The best part though is that my mindset is changing. This morning the kids were talking about nutty bars and I couldn't even stomach the thought of a Little Debbie snack for breakfast. I have started really realizing that a protein shake will keep me full. This week I have survived on a small bowl of soup and an avocado for lunch sometimes even less. I'm convincing myself this it's doable. I'm starting to learn about proteins and the balance between healthy and unhealthy. We went out to eat last night and I left the house thinking it would be one of the last time I could order whatever I wanted off the menu. I was really craving a steak so we headed to Applebees. My go-to meal there is steak parmesan with shrimp and garlic mashed potatoes. Last night I looked over the menu and without even giving it a second thought I ordered the steak brochette which was on the under 500 calories menu. It was a steak with a stuffed mushroom and red potatoes, not complete a sleever meal but so much better than I have done in the past. I did though order a diet Pepsi and pretzels for dessert. I've decided between now and the surgery that I will start changing my eating habits but I won't deprive myself of the things I want to indulge in before I can't have them again! This is working pretty well for me because last week I had a mini snack size Snickers bar and A chicken cordon bleu sandwich from Arby's. I've been working on Jaxen too because I think the change is going to be hard on him. After I have the surgery and the weight is falling off of me, I am concerned about what his reaction will be. Last night I got him and Kaid to order steak off of the kids menu with no fuss, then when I told them they could have a shooter glass dessert, he flipper because it was "too small." There are days he does awesome and on Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday of this week he made shakes with me drink them for breakfast and didn't even eat breakfast at school. Then at lunch he was sensible. On Thursday I thought I would change up his daily shake and add orange juice he was in a bad mood to start with and refused to drink the shake, he ate breakfast at school and was back to his old habit of getting second on cereal. That was the beginning of the end so to speak at church the night before we had argued about him being in the front of the line. We had a mini meltdown one night this week too when he threw a cracker at my head because I wouldn't let him make tuna at 10 o'clock that night then he flopped down on the couch and said that I was starving him he was just going to crawl up there and die ... he fell asleep and was fine. That is something I would have said to my mom at my worst. He has an obsession with food that is like a drug addiction. Since moving him to a different class at school he has lost about 6 pounds, but if the scales are right he put most of that weight back on. I'm not really sure what to say and do for him and I just pray everyday about the situation. He's been spending time with Mr. Parks, his therapist, and they are working through all of the issues. They spend time in the cafeteria serving lunch, they talk about what might be bothering Jax and to be honest Jax is a tough egg to crack, he is resistant to all of the charm & minimizes all of the issues. Sometimes I wish there was a magic button that I could flip for his sake, but I will fall on the next best thing... prayer.... Father God, Over the weekend Sunny gave me a gift, a Blender Bottle. It is basically a bottle with it's own little whisky ball thingy, so it mixes powdered shakes beautifully! That new gadget, coupled with my excitement has kicked me into a shake for b-fast, shake for lunch prep mode. I have to be honest it has never been so easy before to just say, 'I think I will have a protein shake instead of breakfast.' It is happening, a change in my mind set. Over the last month Michael and I have also had to make some tough decisions regarding Jaxen. Without going into too much detail, there were some things going on that we felt were effecting him in a very damaging way. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I felt like he had elevated stress, anxiety & depression. I have written about his food addiction before and we feel like the situation was contributing to the compulsive behaviors. The fist of January, we decided to take control of the situation and make some major changes. I am shocked by the changes I have seen so far. In 1 week there have been considerably less tears, he is becoming more confident, but the best part; he is the sweet little boy who isn't so angry, who desires to please & be helpful & who sings all the time that he had stuck deep down in there somewhere! My little boy is back! Sure there is still work to do, and some permanent damage has been done, not only mentally and emotionally but physically, which is evident in the 10 pounds he has gained. Jax and I are both happy to report though that he has lost 1.5 pounds since we made the change and feel like now that that stress has been removed we can both relax and focus on what really matters and that is his happiness!
..... women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. 1 Timothy 5:14 Instead of our regular Sunday night mission visit to Yarbrough, we had to attend our Church because the kids had to practice for the Christmas program. They are studying the Book of 1 Timothy and Brother Jared brought up something that stuck with me. He asked if we knew what it meant in 1 Timothy 5:14 when they say "guide the house" other translations say "manage the House" after a few attempts at explanation from church members he explained that he believes that it is the woman who sets the tone for her home. Her attitude sets the mood. What she does is a direct result of what make the house a home. It hit me, The hormonal issue I have due to my weight really effect my home. They obviously effect my attitude, but they also keep me from doing more to make this place a home. I want my husband and children to feel like this is the one place they can go to retreat. That my attitude will be calm and Christ like in order to set the standards for their future. I can try as hard as I can, but I am expecting the shift in my hormones to be huge. I am expecting an even personality without all of the hormone surges. My attitude about the surgery and weightloss before and after will make a HUGE impact on the health of my family also. It is a lot of responsibility and something no one tells you about. Father God, I ask you to be with me tonight as I prepare my heart for this journey. I pray that the changes it brings in my life and the life of my family set the attitude of the family.Thank you for opening my eyes to what a bad attitude or poor personality might do to my family. I know that it is what I do that will effect who they become. Give me patience and consistency, give me discernment and wisdom everyday Lord to grow them into amazing Husbands and Wives who teach their families to live for You! Let the choices I make influence the choices they make in a positive way. Help me to be the wife my husband deserves. That I am able to set the tone of our home in such a way that he desires to be here. That he experiences overwhelming joy when he is at home and that the stresses of our daily lives do not stand in between us and a loving relationship in which we honor you 1st and foremost. Thank You for Your grace and love, In His Holy Name, Amen I've said several times that the reason I'm getting the surgery #1 is for my kids ....
I do not want them embarrassed by their mama, and I do not want them following in my footsteps. As you know, Jaxen has had a problem with his weight since he was diagnosed with asthma at about age 2 1/2. He was on steroids and albuterol and he started gaining weight like crazy. When he was on the meds he would eat and eat and eat, when he had an earache or a cough he would eat and eat and eat and it became an obsession with him, like he was filling a void. Sadly, I didn't know enough to stop it, even my pediatrician said, it would be fine we should just maintain as he got taller, Ha no such luck. Today he's a 165 pound 4th grader and for that I'm worried. He wears a mens clothing and it is not fun shopping with him, it is very frustrating for all of us. I love that boy beyond words and nothing he could ever do can change that, I do not ever want him seeing this post and believing otherwise. The truth of the matter is, if I don't do something today I will have a 500 pound 35 year old son, that to me will be devastating, because I know what that weight will bring with it. I feel like he will go through a life of misery, because you see Jaxen, internalizes being fat. I don't remember crying over my weight until I was a teen and it only lasted a minute. In 4th grade alone Jax has cried over his weight countless times. We've been in the dressing room were recently, within minutes, it was like dressing a 15 year old girl and I've been there. I know that you start trying on pants and they don't fit, so you get the next bigger size and it doesn't fit, you keep moving up and eventually you're depressed and just shut down. You hear your siblings in the dressing room next door excited that everything fits, they can pick up their size shirt off the rack and put it on and it fits, they don't have to go back for the next size in the next size and the next size ... eventually you give up trying and you go to the accessories, sunglasses or hats or purses because those will fit no matter what, Kinda. Ultimately, you find yourself sitting by the door, waiting for everyone to finish their shopping while convincing yourself that owning one pair of jeans and 3 shirt are fine , keep your head up and you go on. I have learned to despise shopping and avoid it at all costs. That being said ... I've picked up a few tips and tricks of from being an obese child/person and raising an obese child. I will also share from our journey along the way. I'd like to give some insight to parents who may be going through the same thing.
Bottom line is, it starts with me. I will be posting throughout this journey the things I've learned in raising in a big boy and hopefully by the end of this journey I can celebrate that he, like me, has gotten healthy. I pray everyday that God gives me the wisdom in raising him to teach him what's good and what's not good. I did it, I made the decision to change my life ... NOW to tell "My People" ... Who are "My People?" - My People are those who have my back NO MATTER the out come. The people I turn to at a moment's notice and for the most part my very closest family members. I feel like not everyone wants to, nor do they need to hear the details of my every whim, but My People are out of luck, they have no choice! This is how I broke the news all at once in a Facebook group message ..... This is a link to the Dr. I will be using and the facilities ... it answers a lot of questions ... http://www.tijuanabariatrics.com/bariatric-surgery/gastric-sleeve-surgery You are my people so I need you to know .... Today my 10 year old son decided to finally get back on the scale, he called me in and we read it together 171 it said ... shock ... sadness ... disappointment in myself! He played football summer long and gained 6 pounds, I can't believe it, when did it come to this? I don't know what to do, it's a downward spiral and we have to get a hold of it. I hate it for him he burst into tears and I all I can do is hug him and move on. I didn't know how to comfort him. That night I talked to my boys about having the surgery and about the reasons I wanted to have the it. We were in the car on the way to pick up our foster daughter. Kaidan and I were talking about his fears, and I hear Jax in the background sobbing and saying "I hate myself because I'm fat." I can't believe I let it go that far I can't believe we took it so far that my poor baby hates himself and it's all my fault, so for this I have to have the surgery, I have to change who I am so that I can change who he is and hopefully in this he sees that it's for health reasons. Hopefully I get the energy to run with him, hopefully I figure out how to feed my family and change our lives. That's the day I decided to have gastric sleeve surgery, if for nothing more than for him. I have to change what we do! I have to get through to him though that the surgery is not the answer. I don't want him to think that he can go through life and eat and eat as much as he wants until he's old enough to have the surgery, and that will fix it. I want him to know that it stops today... now to the hard part, figuring out how to make that happen. Lucky for me I have access to 1 of the best therapist in the area, Mr. Parks is amazing and I've spoken with him and he's agreed to see J. Lord Jesus, I come to you and I pray for my family father, Please comfort Jaxen and help him to keep his personality and gain confidence. I pray he learns to love himself the way everyone else does, help him to see himself through the eyes of those around him and not through fat glasses. Please father be with me as I try to change my families life and be with families who may be suffering from the same thing. I pray that my baby does not have to suffer the way that I have had to suffer. Be with Mr Parks, give him the knowledge to tackle this situation. I pray that you also give me the knowledge and the strength that I need throughout this journey and give Jax the insight to know the surgery is not because I hate myself but because I love myself. Thank you for the opportunities that you've given us and the family that you've given us. In Jesus name, Amen *It is important to note that I later found out he had grown 3 inches throughout the summer ... and weighed 6 pounds less 2 weeks later. |
This weight loss is only from June 2015 (I had lost another 51 pounds prior to this)
Blog MissionIt has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I feel like God opened the right doors at the right time. My vision for this blog is not only to document and share my journey with those who care, but also to encourage those who may be following in my footsteps. First and foremost though, I want to give all the glory to God & to focus on his plan for me throughout the journey. What you talkin' 'bout?VSG = Vertical Gastric Sleeve Categories
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